Madness

From the Mind of Madness

Archive for May 2008

Madness defined

with one comment

MadCommentary Coming Soon…

Madness thinks that if you had to describe what being inside the Mind of Madness looks and sounds like. This is it.

This song is what having a bipolar mind sounds like… it starts all boppity dumdum and kinda goes nuts .. calms down and goes nuts. Yeah. That about sums it up.

The video pretty much sums up Madness high school days… and three words describe Madness high school days .. Preppy Grunge Cheerleader

 *giggle* MaxX married a cheerleader (1992 Florida State Champs ..  yeah)

Written by Madness

May 31, 2008 at 11:13 pm

Posted in 1

Just one week into summer vacation and already the idea of spending 300 days alone on an island sounds heavenly.

with one comment

The Queen of  Shake Shake helped Madness realize just why  the thought of 300 days alone on an island sounds heavenly.  Schools Out! Ahhh yes. The joys of Parenting Five Children during Summer Vacation.

Madness’ babies have been home from school for two.whole.days.now. 

Wednesday night Madness was going over the final preparation check lists with MaxX and she was all “We will not panic. We will not go crazy. (nevermind that one of us is already there) We will have a neat, orderly and organized summer vacation around the MadLands. There will be instructions left for the children daily…yes, LISTS of chores and reminders that the children will be beaten if they fight with each other that the children are responsible for themselves and each other and that we are expecting a tightly run ship around here!”

Yes. Summer Vacation around the MadLands is going to be *perfect* .. because Madness made LISTS. Madness even assured herself that we would NOT be eaten out of house and home by five ravenous beasts healthy growing kids by making daily menus. Yes. Madness is the shit.

Summer Vacation at the MadLands. Day One.

Madness pulled up her cell phone records for Thursday May 29, 2008, having clearly recalled the list on the fridge titled “EMERGENCY contact numbers“. We’ve got mom and dads work and cell numbers, friends and family and co-workers cell, home and work numbers, 911 and the like. Madness cell phone records for Thursday list 39 calls from home. Thirty-nine. There were THIRTY-NINE EMERGENCIES on Thursday at the MadLands…consisting of :

“Teenage daughter wont make me breakfast.”  Even though Teenage Daughters list clearly states “Make breakfast for T and D”. While refusing to feed T and D may constitute an emergency in YOUR book.. it does NOT in mine because … ITS ON HER LIST. IT SHOULD BE DONE and thus no calls should have been made to Madness reporting that it wasnt.

“Momma, we took the puppies out.” THAT is a “status update” which should have been reported during what we call a “Status Update Inquiry Call” placed FROM Madness TO her children, not the other way around… clearly not an emergency.

Other calls consisted of “I cant find any clean pants.” “Can I have chips instead of bananas and graham crackers for my snack?” “Teenage Daughter is being mean to me.” “The mail is here.” ….

You get my drift.

Somewhere around NONemergency call number twenty Madness informed the children that “if my cell phone rings ONE MORE TIME and someone isnt BLEEDING or on FIRE .. I will beat you!” (It’s ok.. Madness threatens to beat her children all the time. Its a term of endearment.)

Summer Vacation at the MadLands. Day Two.

Madness received far fewer calls from the MadLands on day two.  Madness has deduced the reasoning for this in two parts.

First.. Big Brother was not home.  Big Brother spent the night at a friends house. You see.. when Big Brother and Teenage Daughter were running the show on Day One .. there was what we call a Power Struggle. Too many chiefs .. er.. too many indians too, apparently. Big Brother removed .. One Chief left.. no power struggle.

Secondly.. Madness Teenage Daughter had been grounded a few weeks ago.  Not just grounded.. oh no. GROUNDED.  Madness imposed this exact sentence on Teenage Daughter: Grounded Until Christ Rises Again.

So.. the sucess of Summer Vacation at the MadLands. Day Two could also be contributed to the fact that Madness bribed compromised with Teenage Daughter. “I’ll let you do something with your friends this weekend if you keep things under control around here.” Deal.

Madness started to count the days till the kids go back to school but decided that she could very well land right back in the mental institution if she did that..so she didnt.

Ahh yes.. Summer Vacation. Working Parents.. how do YOU survive summer vacation with your house, mind, grocery budget and JOB still intact?  Madness needs hope ideas.

Stay tuned while Madness makes more lists.

 

 

Written by Madness

May 31, 2008 at 12:16 pm

Posted in 1

Island Living

with one comment

Oh Oh Oh.. MaxX and Madness are SO gonna do this one day..

only not alone.. TOGETHER! MmmHmm. Thats right MaxX, youre screwed.

Read about it here.  Could you IMAGINE what living on THAT island would be like?? Look at that amazing body of water in the middle.. Madness will bet that it is JUST LIKE HEAVEN!

MaxX, nevermind that angry volcano, K?

Madness went to the guys website, but she had to send him an email. It went a little something like this

“Hi!

Can you please speak English?

K. Thanks!

Love, Madness”

Please stay tuned while Madness BEGS GOD TO LET HER MOVE THERE!

Written by Madness

May 30, 2008 at 8:01 pm

Posted in 1

~*~MadStory Time~*~

with one comment

A MadLands Original

Mad StoryTime

BEOWULF

Beowulf is the story of Beowulf.  The End.

No, really…

The story of Beowolf begins in a brothel .. only in Denmark back then they called it a Mead Hall .. but never fear .. theres plenty of drinking and singing and shagging goin’ on.  So, apparently the singing and drunkeness goin on in Heorot (thats the mead hall) ticks off this beastly creature, Grendel.
Allow Madness to digress. 
We’ve got the King and the Queen, right.  Well, the King is a drunken nasty bastard … and he has this golden horn lookin thing and apparently this horn thing is special.  So anyway, the King has no children…except one… but he doesnt count, because he’s a nasty freakish monster. MmmHmm.

Mr drunken nasty bastard King man apparently got Angelina Jolies goodies and knocked her up..only it wasnt Angelina Jolie .. it was some shape shifter sort of character so the ‘baby’ was.. you guessed it .. a nasty freakish monster. Grendel.

Ok, so.. apparently the singing and drunkeness goin on in the brothel ticks off Grendel … so he comes in and goes nuts. Kills a bunch of brothel-goers and damn near steps on and squooshes the Queen, who in this particular story is actually a good girl, no wickedness here. Just when you think Grendels gonna take the Queen out like a grape on a grocery store floor..the drunken nasty bastard King wobbles over and challenges Grendel to “Fight Me!.. Figght Me!” .. but Grendel DOESNT .. he runs home to his lair where momma (Angelina Jolie)

is waiting for him. Momma tells Grendel that he needs to stop snacking on humans but Grendel isnt hearing it because, well, apparently we are all kinds of tasty.

Enter Beowulf.  Beowulf shows up and meets Mr drunken nasty bastard King man on shore and declares “I am Beowulf and I am here to kill your monster” .. only he says “Muun-steh” and that made Madness giggle.

So Beowulf and his boyz post up in the brothel and then Beowulf decides he will fight Grendel nekkid.  MmmHmm .. nekkid.  Only dont get too excited, member Beowulf is all digitally animated or whatever.. but still … nekkid.  Beowulf says “Grendel fights with no weapon, Beowulf will fight with no weapon” or something like that. You get the idea.

Sure enough.. Grendel shows up..and Nekkid Beowulf kicks his butt. Grendel ends up with his left wrist bound by a huge chain and gets his arm caught in the door as he tries to run like a bitch. Beowulf slams the door on his arm over and over and over and its all so cool cause he’s shouting “I am the Ripper..Tearer..Slasher..Gouger. I am the Teeth in the Darkness, the Talons in the Night. Mine is strength..and Lust.. and Power. I am BEOWULF” .. and Madness shuddered and sqealed and begged MaxX to “play it again! play it again!!”

So Grendel runs his punk one armed ass home and dies .. but of course not before he tells Momma who did it.. of course.

So now Momma is pissed..cause thats what mommas DO when their babies get hurt.. they get cray-zay.  So Momma slinks over there to the brothel where Beowulf and his boyz are posted up and Momma makes an example of Beowulfs boyz, while he is sleeping.  He wakes up and finds every last one of his boyz dead and hung over the rafters like yesterdays laundry. And WOW, Madness didnt realize this was such an long story … she thinks she has ADD or something.

Where were we? Oh yeah.. Madness er, Momma makin an example out of Beowulfs boyz. So, Beowulf goes over to have a word with Momma.  And what happens next? Angelina Jolie pulls a Brangelina on him and is all “give me a son and I will give you eternal life blah blah blah..whatever” Remember that gold horn thingy that Mr drunken nasty bastard King man had? Well, he gave it to Beowulf and Beowulf took it with him when he went to have a word with Angelina.

 There is probably more of a significance here than Madness is letting on.. but she probably wasnt paying much attention at that point because Madness trailed off a few times.  Anyway.. Angelina/Momma tells Beowulf that as long as SHE has posession of the gold horn thingy that he will have the world in his hands, basically.  So, they do the deed and Beowulf goes back and tells the peoples that he slew Momma.. liar liar pants on fire.

Blah Blah Blah… fast forward.. here comes Beowulfs SON.. oh yeah.. only BEOWULFS son is no punk ass bitch monster boy.. nuh-uh.. hes a gold dragon.  And can you believe that in all of GoogleLand there isnt ONE freakin pic of the damn dragon? Yeah. And of course Beowulf kills him.  Blah Blah. So, by now Madness has had *plenty* of wine and while she remembers a significant “Boo-yaw” part of this story..she isnt sure if she’s got this in the right order… but eh.. whatever.

So.. remember Angelina Momma told Beowulf that as long as SHE posessed the gold horn thingy he’d be all BradPitt an’shit.  Well, Angelina Momma is one slick sly bitch.. she sends the gold horn thingy BACK to Beowulf .. yep.. thats right.. “Deals OFF” she says.. and “I can *DO* that cause I just gave the gold horn thing BACK so now I dont have it!” Boo-yaw! Only Beowulf is no punk and he takes that gold horn thing right back to her and says “Like hell biatch”

And thats pretty much where Mandess recollection stops.

The End.

Written by Madness

May 29, 2008 at 8:06 pm

Posted in Mad StoryTime

Madness is Bossys READER today!

leave a comment »

Bossy is indeed the Boss! Today.. Madness is Bossys reader. Oh Hell Yes She Is.

Madness has so many things to talk about today..but for one reason or another, she cant get her head to stop spinning long enough to get anything to come out.

Please stay tuned while Madness gets a grip.

Written by Madness

May 29, 2008 at 6:35 pm

Posted in 1

Wordless Wednesday

leave a comment »

This is Madness and a younger sister. Younger by 9 years. 

Im just sayin.

Written by Madness

May 28, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Posted in Wordless Wednesday

Need and to be Needed

with one comment

This is a story about needing someone and about being needed by someone.

Princess Brit and Sir Rotham were seperated today. [circumstance withheld] .. they were seperated today.

Brit was moved into her own sleeping quarters and Rotham was left alone in the deluxe apartment in the sky formerly shared kennel. Brit and Rotham whined and cried like brats for each other.  Whined and cried each other to sleep in their own sleeping quarters.

At some point.. Princess Brittania Onasis climbed out of her kennel and back into the deluxe apartment in the sky formerly shared kennel.

This is remarkable and blog worthy because Princess BritBrit can barely see over the top of either kennel while standing on a step stool when shes on her tippy tippy hind legs.

But Princess BritBrit needed to be with Rotham, and Rotham was needed.

Written by Madness

May 26, 2008 at 7:25 am

Posted in Random Madness